Rewriting Reality: The Great Climate Report Makeover
Hello everyone. Today, we’re diving straight into a political theatre piece so on-the-nose that even the most jaded gamer who’s seen every bad plot twist in AAA development will roll their eyes and reach for the “skip cutscene” button. The US administration has decided it’s time to revise — no, scratch that — rewrite past National Climate Assessment reports. That’s right, folks. We’re patching history, and the new patch notes aren’t for bug fixes, they’re for rebalancing reality to match the devs’ new meta: fossil fuel supremacy.
The Setup: From Science to Spin
Energy Secretary Chris Wright, formerly the boss-man at Liberty Energy — that paraglider of environmental care we all know and love — announced on CNN that previous reports have been “taken offline” for “review.” Oh yes, the kind of “review” where the exam answers get changed after grading. Why? Because apparently, if the game data says your DPS against climate change is too low, better nerf the truth. Wright insists updated versions are coming. I’m sure that’ll go swimmingly — just like re-releasing a game with “improved features” while sneakily removing the core mechanics that made it work in the first place.
The Fallout: A Legacy in the Bin
Since 2000, the National Climate Assessment has been the environmental equivalent of a raid guide — painstakingly compiled by hundreds of experts, meant to help the team (read: the nation) tackle the boss fight that is anthropogenic climate change. Previous editions warned that ignoring greenhouse gas emissions would wreck the economy, infrastructure, and public health. But apparently, that raid warning sound was getting annoying, so instead of prepping and gearing up, the raid leader dismissed the healers and scrapped the strategy doc.
Adding insult to injury, earlier this year the administration sacked hundreds of scientists working on the sixth edition. The Global Change Research Act of 1990 legally mandates delivering these assessments, but why let pesky legal obligations get in the way of your DLC pack for fossil fuels?
The Endangerment Finding Gets the Axe
As if this wasn’t already a speedrun of regulatory erosion, the Environmental Protection Agency proposed revoking the Endangerment Finding — the scientific conclusion that greenhouse gases pose a serious threat to public health. This isn’t tweaking balance; this is deleting the climate boss from the game files entirely and claiming you just won. The Department of Energy even released a shiny new “study” from climate change contrarians, calling into question whether heat records are truly increasing — a bit like saying wipe mechanics in a raid aren’t real because you didn’t see them in your last wipe… after disconnecting from the server.
To add that special frosting of absurdity, the study suggested rising carbon dioxide might actually help agriculture. That’s an outstanding claim — in the same way telling a patient with a high fever that “heat kills germs” is technically true, but also wildly irresponsible when the fever is 105°F and rising.
Patch Notes for a Gas-Powered Future
Make no mistake: this “review” isn’t a balance change to make the climate fight more winnable. It’s throwing the controller into the ocean and telling everyone to “just imagine” you’ve won. The administration — with full support from a Republican-controlled Congress — is rolling out its Big Beautiful Bill (someone obviously skipped the part of the PR guide about naming for credibility) to gut clean energy tax credits while unlocking new, environmentally sensitive areas for drilling like some twisted map expansion pack you didn’t ask for.
Conclusion: An Epic Quest for Ignorance
Rewriting historical climate reports is not some quaint archival clean-up — it’s an aggressive purge of inconvenient truths, repackaged with a smarmy grin. It’s a political move dressed up as “fresh research” when, in reality, it’s as transparent as a badly coded invisibility cloak in a rushed indie title. The danger is clear: when you rewrite the raid guide to remove the boss mechanics, all you’re doing is setting up your team to get wiped — catastrophically — without even knowing what hit them.
My final verdict: bad. Not just “patch 1.0 launch-day server crash” bad, but “bricking your hardware” bad. This isn’t a strategic adjustment — it’s willful malpractice against reality, the environment, and anyone who will have to live in the consequences.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is entirely my opinion.
Source: US to rewrite its past national climate reports, France24
