Xbox Ally & Ally X Are the Most Outrageous Handheld Consoles You’ll Regret Buying
Hello everyone. Gather ‘round the campfire – or the marketing bonfire – because Microsoft is at it again. This time, they may (or may not, depending on which leaker you choose to worship) finally slap a release date on their long-teased Xbox handhelds. Yes, handhelds plural, because apparently one overpriced portable gaming PC isn’t enough – we must have a pair, so your wallet faints twice in rapid succession.
The Gamescom “Surprise” That’s About as Surprising as a Lootbox
According to our friendly neighborhood French leak machine, big Microsoft will likely drop the news at Gamescom on August 20. The devices – the Xbox Ally and the Xbox Ally X – are allegedly pulling into station October 16 in the EU. Of course, that’s after months of “accidental” leaks and marketing ‘oopsies’ that seem as choreographed as a JRPG cutscene.
Yes, branding is confusing here. No, they’re not actually made by Xbox per se. They’re essentially Asus ROG handhelds in Xbox cosplay. But that won’t stop the booths from looking like a Forza Horizon tailgate party.
The Price Tag That Hits Harder than Any Boss Battle
Ready for the damage report? The “entry-level” model will allegedly set you back €599 – about $697. The Ally X? That’s a heart-stopping €899 (~$1,047). This is before you factor in Microsoft’s inevitable “premium carrying case” DLC sold separately. The top-tier version comes with an AMD Ryzen Z2 Extreme chip, which sounds fancy enough to justify a ransom note, I suppose.
Leaked store listings – because apparently we can’t just have a normal announcement like civilized people – seem to back this up. Whether that pricing translates dollar-for-dollar in the U.S. is anyone’s guess. My prognosis: the patient (your bank account) won’t survive the procedure.
Specs, Smokescreens, and Controlled Environments
To be fair (and as a doctor I like to give the full diagnosis before pronouncing), the hardware at least sounds usable. Windows-based. AMD chips supposedly optimized for handhelds. Boots straight into an Xbox app-like UI that spares you the full horror of bloated Windows installations. You get your Game Pass games, your Steam and Epic access – maybe GOG if the stars align and the lizard people in Redmond approve. No, the UI won’t let you boot up your ultra-legal retro emulators, but dual booting into regular Windows is possible if you enjoy voiding warranties by lunchtime.
The Competition Keeps Microsoft in Its Crosshairs
Of course, the handheld space is busier than an MMO auction house right now. MSI’s working on its mystery device, Lenovo’s got some OLED monster lurking in the shadows with better than 720p (about time), and everyone’s looking over each other’s shoulders waiting to see who blinks first on pricing. Microsoft claims it will let other handhelds run this new lean Windows, which is great… assuming that “letting” translates into not charging for the privilege like an airport bottle of water.
Final Thoughts: A Dose of Reality
Here’s my outlook: The Xbox Ally family might actually be competent little machines – provided you survive the hemorrhage to your finances. Between the steady trickle of very intentional leaks and the suspiciously timed announcements, it’s clear this is just the next battleground in the corporate arms race to dominate the “premium handheld” sector. But let’s not kid ourselves: this is still a Windows handheld. You’re not getting Steam Deck levels of ecosystem integration here; you’re getting Microsoft’s shiny ecosystem funnel disguised as consumer choice.
If you’ve always dreamed of paying console prices for portable hardware and PC game library access, this could be your holy grail. If you see these prices and instantly feel like you’ve been hit with a critical headshot? Yeah, same. Good tech or not, my verdict is: interesting, but I’ll wait to roll my saving throw against bankruptcy before jumping in.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is entirely my opinion.
Article source: The First Xbox Handheld Could Be Coming Sooner Than You Think, https://gizmodo.com/the-first-xbox-handheld-could-be-coming-sooner-than-you-think-2000640614
