Epoch Spire Is the Ultimate Roguelike Dead-End You’ll Regret Climbing
Hello everyone. Today we’re diving into Epoch Spire, a game proudly labeling itself as a first-person shooter roguelike set on an alien planet with no nearby star. Yes, because nothing screams “immersive atmosphere” quite like the absolute absence of sunlight. It’s like trying to enjoy a holiday in Iceland in December – bleak, cold, and pointlessly dark.
The Premise – Knowledge as Currency
Apparently, the game’s grand hook is this: when you die in the tower, you lose absolutely everything except your knowledge. So, essentially, it’s a roguelike where the developers couldn’t be bothered to give you proper progression systems, but they’ll pat you on the head and say, “Don’t worry, champ, you learned something.” Sounds riveting, doesn’t it? No loot, no XP, no carry-over boons – just sweet, intangible wisdom. Which means that after each run, you’re left with the same starting gun, the same fundamentals, and the overwhelming urge to slam Alt+F4 harder than a Dark Souls player rage quitting after falling off a ledge.
Combat – A Laser Pointer Against Cosmic Horror
They hand you a “laser gun,” which is about as exciting as handing a surgeon a blunt spoon. Supposedly, monsters will be lurking on every floor of this alien spire, but the description is so vague it sounds like the enemies could just as easily be recycled blobs from a free Unity asset pack. Use your laser gun, they say. What for? Scaring off cats? Honestly, it feels less like a weapon and more like a $2 keychain flashlight you’d buy at a gas station checkout counter.
Puzzles – Because Guns Are Never Enough
Then we get to the puzzles. Yes, puzzles. Nothing screams adrenaline-pumping roguelike action like stopping dead mid-firefight to play Tower of Hanoi. The game dares to suggest that every time you learn the trick to a puzzle, it’ll give you some kind of reward to power up your run. Right, because when I think “roguelike FPS,” I think of Sudoku. That’s what I want between dodging monsters – a chance to pretend I’m defusing a bomb while my controller collects dust.
“Once you know how to solve a puzzle, you can solve it again in future tries.” – Translation: you’ll be bored out of your mind on repeat runs.
System Requirements – Budget Friendly, But at What Cost?
On the bright side, the requirements are comically low. You could practically run this thing on a toaster as long as it has a GPU that wasn’t ripped out of a calculator. Windows 10, an Intel i5 from 2017, and a 1050 graphics card? This isn’t even bargain bin – it’s e-waste simulator. Which makes me wonder: if the visuals can be handled by the digital equivalent of a potato, how uninspiring are the graphics going to be? Probably less “alien planet grandeur” and more “PowerPoint backdrop with a floating cube.”
The Illusion of Mystery
The true selling point here, if you believe the marketing spin, is “mystery.” An alien planet without a star, a giant spire full of secrets and puzzles… yet all they’ve managed to describe is a glorified random dungeon with zero actual character. The problem is, if everything is designed to be vague and “discovered,” you need intriguing world-building to hook players. Otherwise, what you’ve got is just permadeath simulated boredom. It’s less of an interstellar adventure and more of a student coding project wrapped in a sci-fi sticker.
Final Diagnosis
As a doctor, I’d diagnose Epoch Spire with a severe case of innovation deficiency, possibly terminal. Its main gimmick revolves around “learning” instead of meaningful progression, so prepare for added frustration masquerading as depth. The combat sounds bland, the puzzles are ill-suited for fast-paced gameplay, and the visuals will likely look like they were drawn by a cat wandering over a keyboard.
I’ll give it credit: maybe the final product pulls off some interesting environmental storytelling. Maybe the mystery is compelling enough to keep masochists climbing floor after floor. But judging by what’s been shared, I have more faith in loot boxes containing actual loot than I do in this “you only keep your knowledge” nonsense.
Verdict? Bad. Utterly uninspiring, and unless the developers pull a rabbit out of a hat, this spire is going to sink straight into the depths of forgettable roguelike hell alongside hundreds of other “one more run” disasters.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is entirely my opinion.
Article source: Epoch Spire
