Air Force Buying Tesla Cybertrucks to Perfect the Art of Blowing Them Up
Hello everyone. Let’s talk about possibly one of the most American headlines of the decade: The United States Air Force is literally buying two Tesla Cybertrucks… just so they can blow them up. No, really. Somewhere in a dimly lit conference room a decision was made that the latest cutting-edge defense strategy is apparently “buy cool-looking electric trucks, then figure out how to turn them into post-apocalyptic modern art.”
The Premise – Militarized Product Testing
According to the Air Force’s own procurement documents – partly redacted because, you know, secrecy and all that – they need 33 “target vehicles” for tests and training. Among them? Two Cybertrucks, because military research suggests that these stainless-steel Lego bricks “do not receive the normal extent of damage upon major impact.” Translation: They bounce instead of break. Which is great if you’re a Tesla fanboy, worrying about parking lot dings… less great if you’re firing ordnance at it from a drone.
Why Cybertrucks? Well, the Air Force fears that future adversaries might buy them, believing they can take a real-life Iron Man amount of punishment. So before any potential battlefield becomes the set of a low-budget sci-fi flick, America’s finest want to learn how to dismantle these rolling status symbols efficiently and spectacularly.
Missiles Meet Minimalism
The docs reference “Standoff Precision Guided Munition (SOPGM) tests” – or as gamers and conspiracy theorists alike might call it, Final Boss Level: Elon Musk Edition. Yes, the idea is to literally launch smart munitions at these vehicles and observe how they react. It’s like a physics experiment in Kerbal Space Program, except instead of spaceships, it’s angular EVs with panel gaps you can see from orbit.
The procurement isn’t just targeting Cybertrucks, though. The plan also calls for 18 sedans with sunroofs (color-coded like it’s some bizarre car-based Pokémon game), plus five SUVs, five pickups, and even three Bongo trucks. If that last one wasn’t on your bingo card, congratulations, you’re normal.
The Medical Check-up
As a clinician of technology disasters, allow me to point out the Air Force’s checklist gives these vehicles a kind of pre-op prep. Wheels must turn. Bodywork and glass intact. All fluids drained – basically a surgical sterilization before the fun starts. And because the Cybertruck has lithium-ion batteries (known for the subtle, understated way they turn into raging infernos), those will be removed too. It’s as if the patient’s heart is being taken out before the surgery so the OR doesn’t spontaneously combust.
Reality Check – Tesla’s Armor Isn’t Perfect
Here’s the twist: The Air Force’s glowing notes on Cybertruck durability might raise a few eyebrows. Tesla itself has acknowledged some of the vehicle’s… let’s call them “personality quirks” – including rust issues, parts that randomly decide they’ve had enough, and adhesives so questionable they wouldn’t pass as Post-It glue. Sure, maybe it doesn’t crumple like a soda can, but I wouldn’t bet my survival on a fender that could fall off mid-battle because the glue sobbed itself loose.
My Final Diagnosis
So what’s my prognosis for this military science project? On one hand, testing potential enemy gear ahead of time is smart – that’s playing the game on New Game+ difficulty. On the other, spending taxpayer money to simulate Mad Max just to learn how to wreck a few expensive trucks reeks of a side quest no one asked for. If you think the conspiracy theorists won’t have a field day with “The Pentagon is preparing for Cybertruck warfare”, I’ve got beachfront property on Mars to sell you.
Overall, it’s amusing, slightly absurd, and maybe even practical… but the whole thing feels like the tutorial mission for a game titled Call of Duty: Elon’s Last Stand.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is entirely my opinion.
Article source: Air Force buying two Tesla Cybertrucks so it can learn to destroy them, https://www.theregister.com/2025/08/08/usaf_cybertruck_missile_tests/
